Grant Me A Moment of Clarity

I'm a simple creature, really I am. I try my best to be straightforward & I expect others to do the same. I go through great pains to set rules for my encounters so no one misunderstands and gets hurt. Now I find myself in a predicament where I think I may get hurt because of another person's lack of clarity.

Let me preface this by saying, he is a really nice guy, handsome, educated, thoughtful (for the most part) and dead sexy. He's not looking for a relationship. To be honest, neither am I. I just like having that go to person when I'm in need of a bit of attention.

So I know you're wondering what the problem is. He's giving off some serious mixed signals. He acts like he just comes around for sexual gratification, but he's über-cuddly. It's impossible to be aloof while cuddling. I really wish he'd learn that particular lesson. He attentive to all my needs when we're together. He's genuinely apologetic when he's in the wrong. However, he'll attempt to distance himself while asking when can he see me again.

I'm good being a friend with damn good benefits. I'm cool being a jump-off. I'm fine with being the girlfriend. What I'm not good with is this nebulous state he's trying to keep me in.

Visual Creatures

I just read a cute story with an interesting opener. It starts off with one of the main characters in the hospital. He has been in a terrible auto accident and has been blinded. His fiancee entered the hospital room and proceed to fawn all over him in what was described as her typical fashion. As the story progressed, the main character was slowing discovering that he was less fond of the fiancee that he previously found lovely and endearing. The fiancee was petty, jealous, vain and downright mean.

That lead me to question why he had not noticed these flaws sooner. It was mentioned in the story that the fiancee was a rather attractive woman.  The male character in the story I read was frequently distracted by a wink, giggle (which he no longer thought was cute) or well positioned cleavage. I could not find it in me to condemn him for his error. It seems as if he, as many of us do, got caught up in the packaging and neglected to inspect the package itself. I speak from experience on this matter. I can recall a few times that I was so distracted by the visual appeal of a person that I disregarded some very significant differences in our personalities and belief structures.. I'm not talking about those cute little quirks like him being a fantasy football fanatic or my compulsive need to have a perfectly coiffed head of hair. I'm talking about me being a practicing Christian and him being an outspoken atheist. (Take it from me, sex can only do so much.Eventually you have to get out of bed.)

I will take it one step further. Look at how we treat children. All of us has seen that cute child in need of a healthy does of good old fashioned discipline. However, the child's misdeeds are glossed over because they are "so darn cute". I shudder as I think of the message that this is sending to the youth.

So my question is this: Have you ever excused/ignored behaviors simply because of the way a person looks?

The Henna Chronicles Part II

I think I can officially be called a henna-head. After henna-ing my hair for the second time and wearing it curly, I can see the benefits of this practice. my hair is smoother and easier to manage. Ive gotten tons of compliments on my hair since the second application. This most definitely is becoming part of the monthly routine. I would do it every other week, but it's a time intensive process.

The Henna Chronicles

Over the Christmas holiday I henna'd my hair. I only got to wear it out and big for a couple of days before my mother/daughter salon appointment. However, I loved the results. (I finally got rid of the remnants of the blond highlights from the summer of 2009. I have some henna left over, so I think that I will do a henna gloss once I wear out this press.

Side note - I really need to get back on my hair pic grind...

Cheating - How Do you Define It?

After the events of NYE,  I found myself pondering the definition of cheating. Whether it be a series of less than platonic phone calls/texts or a series of romps in the sack, there is that line that most people would not cross. I have always been of the mind that if it is an activity that you would not want you significant other engaging in, then it is cheating. It's the whole do unto others bit. It works for me because it keeps things clear. I do not have to wonder if I am crossing some unknown line.

Right now, I am feeling like the emotional equivalent of the other woman. I get the phone calls and text messages. I'm expected support every endeavor. I listen to him rant and moan. The thing that I don't get is the physical intimacy. That is where he draws the line. However, I still think that he crossed the line. While I love the attention, the time that is spent on me should be spent cultivating his primary relationship.

What is your line is the sand? Is it long phone calls where you talk about everything and nothing at the same time? Is it sexually suggestive text messages? Is it leaning on that outside person when you should be looking to your significant other for support? Is it the actual act of sexual intercourse?

Happy New Year to You Too...

So as far an NYE goes, 2010 was undoubtedly a quiet one. I didn't go out. I stayed home, drank obscene amounts of Pinot Noir and watched 300. (I do love that movie so...lol)

Anyhoo, as happens on many evenings Boy decides to start texting me. Things start off platonic enough, just a briefing on where we are and what we are doing. However, it veered off track as it often does and this time I did not feel compelled to right the train. I could blame it on the alcohol, but that is not my way. I left the conversation go farther than it should have because I wanted it to. I needed to know that I still affected him the way that he affected me. I knew that it was going to far and in my defense, I gave him plenty of opportunities to change the topic to something more fraternal. Before I knew it, he was telling me that he was fighting the urge to come to my house. What was I supposed to say to that? All I managed was that this was unfair to me and that he was going to be my undoing. He asked what I meant and I told him -- I still attracted to him and I can't have him right now. And it was only a matter of time before I did or said something that neither of us can take back. This isn't like his birthday. He wasn't attached then. Now he is completely attached. It wa terrifying and exhilarating to finally get it off my chest. It was gratifying to hear him return the sentiment. At least I know that I'm not alone in this, at least not in that aspect.

This conversation about suppressed desire continued for a few hours. (I still haven't figure out how he has so much time to go back and forth with me.) Eventually, he leaves from where he was and goes to his home, supposedly with much effort on his part not to make a detour. When he gets home, he calls me so that I can tell him about the dreams I've been having lately, since they were of a carnal nature and he was the center of them. I indulged him because that's what I do, even when I know I shouldn't. His voice is intoxicating and I know that's no excuse, but damn that man. I think I want he just because he's always been so difficult. So when he revealed that he had an idea on how to indulge without exactly being unfaithful, I could not help but ask how. He admitted that he called hoping to hear me pleasure myself since we both were in dire straits as it were. At that point, I could not have deny him if I wanted to... and I didn't want to. He listened as I worked myself into frenzy after frenzy. He reveled in every gasp and moan. I could hear the smug pride in his voice as he coaxed me over the edge, knowing that I was so caught in the moment that I couldn't speak. However, he was not the only one that got to feast on the sensation of someone getting of at the mere thought of being with them. I recognized the change in his voice, and before I knew it, he was acting with reckless abandon and no regard for the person that stood between us. All I know is that she wasn't on his mind when he came. I was my name that spilled from his lips, over and over again. It was thoughts of me that led him into slumber.

I'm not sure how to feel about all this though. It feels like we crossed a line. Maybe, it's more like we blurred the line. I don't know. All I know is that it happened. I can still hear him calling my name. The tones still send those good chills down my spine. It did nothing to purge my desire for him. In fact, I think it may have made it worse. He doesn't know that all he has to do is say the word and I'd drop everyone and devote myself to him. I don't think I'll share that with him. That's too much power for one man to have over me.