Young, Infertile and Single

Every once in a while I am smacked in the face by chaos of my own creation. This is one of those times.

When I was 22, I gave birth to my daughter. She was beautiful and perfect and a handful. I didn't need to have a tribe of kids to know that all I could handle was one. So after a series of long and heartfelt talks with Jay, I decided to tie my tube at the age of 25. Now, as many people know, most doctors will not perform a tubal ligation on an unmarried woman with only one child. "Lucky" for me, my doctor didn't have those types of scruples. In fact, the nurse that was reviewing the waivers I had to sign had more to say to me about it than my doctor did. I was content with my life and stuck to my decision to have my tubes tied.

Fast forward to age 30 - After a long and tumultuous decade long relationship, Jay and I go through a painful, restraining order filled break up. For the first time in 10 years, I'm truly single..and I was loving it. I was free to see who I wanted to. I was free to commit, or not commit. I was young, smart and beautiful. The world was at my feet. Everything was going well, until it happened. I was seeing this guy for a few months. We were approaching that point where you decide whether the person is worth a long term investment. We were having dinner at my house and we were having that very conversation. I'm feeling good about how things were progressing. We had already discussed my fertility, or more accurately the lack thereof, and there wasn't a problem. Or at least that was what I thought. He told me that all those things women like to hear - I was beautiful, smart, a great mother...all that type of stuff. Then he tell me that he can't afford to get attached to me because I can't have anymore children. I was crushed. I did not know how to respond. I felt betrayed because I made a point of telling him about my tubal ligation to avoid just such a revelation. I knew that there wasn't much that could be salvaged because children are a deal-breaker for most people. Shortly after that, we stopped seeing each other. We are still friends, but every time I see him, I'm reminded of that emotional slap in the face.

Since then I've decided just to see people casually. Call me a coward, but I don't think that I can take another blow like that.

There is this one guy that I like and I have been seeing for a while. The hitch is that he is young with no children. He also knows that I cannot have anymore children. I find myself keeping him at an arm's length because of what happened last time. I know that it is immensely unfair to punish him for the actions of a predecessor, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to fall in love with this person, only to have him leave because I will not be able to give him biological children without considerable technological help.

I really want to get married one day, but I don't want my pool of available men limited just because of my infertility. That's not too much to ask for, is it?

Making a Different Type of Transition

So as I have said before, I've been dealing (sleeping) with this guy for a little over a year. There isn't any formal relationship and it's been rather casual and nebulous. Lately, I've found myself wanting a bit more from the exchange, and it's not just because of the sex. He's really smart and handsome and funny and driven and focused and all those things that your mom tells you to look for in a partner. He knows how a MAN should behave, knows what to expect from a WOMAN and he acts accordingly.

There are all types of signs that indicate that he'd be willing to make that change from casual sexual encounters to a more structured exclusive type of relationship. However, he seems to be reluctant to make moves in that direction because his job is so demanding and consumes much of his time. I can understand that because my job is demanding and I have a child that consumes much of my time.

He just seems like a really good fit and we've have some wickedly fabulous and some downright wicked times together.

Perhaps I will bring this up the next time he pops from and see what happens. The worst that could happen is that he says he's not ready for that with me and we just stay how we are. But if I don't ask, I'll never know.