Young, Infertile and Single

Every once in a while I am smacked in the face by chaos of my own creation. This is one of those times.

When I was 22, I gave birth to my daughter. She was beautiful and perfect and a handful. I didn't need to have a tribe of kids to know that all I could handle was one. So after a series of long and heartfelt talks with Jay, I decided to tie my tube at the age of 25. Now, as many people know, most doctors will not perform a tubal ligation on an unmarried woman with only one child. "Lucky" for me, my doctor didn't have those types of scruples. In fact, the nurse that was reviewing the waivers I had to sign had more to say to me about it than my doctor did. I was content with my life and stuck to my decision to have my tubes tied.

Fast forward to age 30 - After a long and tumultuous decade long relationship, Jay and I go through a painful, restraining order filled break up. For the first time in 10 years, I'm truly single..and I was loving it. I was free to see who I wanted to. I was free to commit, or not commit. I was young, smart and beautiful. The world was at my feet. Everything was going well, until it happened. I was seeing this guy for a few months. We were approaching that point where you decide whether the person is worth a long term investment. We were having dinner at my house and we were having that very conversation. I'm feeling good about how things were progressing. We had already discussed my fertility, or more accurately the lack thereof, and there wasn't a problem. Or at least that was what I thought. He told me that all those things women like to hear - I was beautiful, smart, a great mother...all that type of stuff. Then he tell me that he can't afford to get attached to me because I can't have anymore children. I was crushed. I did not know how to respond. I felt betrayed because I made a point of telling him about my tubal ligation to avoid just such a revelation. I knew that there wasn't much that could be salvaged because children are a deal-breaker for most people. Shortly after that, we stopped seeing each other. We are still friends, but every time I see him, I'm reminded of that emotional slap in the face.

Since then I've decided just to see people casually. Call me a coward, but I don't think that I can take another blow like that.

There is this one guy that I like and I have been seeing for a while. The hitch is that he is young with no children. He also knows that I cannot have anymore children. I find myself keeping him at an arm's length because of what happened last time. I know that it is immensely unfair to punish him for the actions of a predecessor, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to fall in love with this person, only to have him leave because I will not be able to give him biological children without considerable technological help.

I really want to get married one day, but I don't want my pool of available men limited just because of my infertility. That's not too much to ask for, is it?

Making a Different Type of Transition

So as I have said before, I've been dealing (sleeping) with this guy for a little over a year. There isn't any formal relationship and it's been rather casual and nebulous. Lately, I've found myself wanting a bit more from the exchange, and it's not just because of the sex. He's really smart and handsome and funny and driven and focused and all those things that your mom tells you to look for in a partner. He knows how a MAN should behave, knows what to expect from a WOMAN and he acts accordingly.

There are all types of signs that indicate that he'd be willing to make that change from casual sexual encounters to a more structured exclusive type of relationship. However, he seems to be reluctant to make moves in that direction because his job is so demanding and consumes much of his time. I can understand that because my job is demanding and I have a child that consumes much of my time.

He just seems like a really good fit and we've have some wickedly fabulous and some downright wicked times together.

Perhaps I will bring this up the next time he pops from and see what happens. The worst that could happen is that he says he's not ready for that with me and we just stay how we are. But if I don't ask, I'll never know.

Really now

I don't know why I keep putting myself in these situations.

Last time I spoke to the infamous Boy, he was "transitioning to settling down". Being the person that I am, I respected that because I would want the same respect for my relationship. So how is it that he has 2 days to spend IMing me. Mind you, I am not completely innocent. I am aware of his situation and I didn't call him on it. To be honest, he will always be that person that gets to me. I love him and I will take whatever time that I can get from him. The thing is that he knows that as well. I've been ridiculously honest with him. He knows that I still care for him and it hurts to think that he's taking advantage of that because he's bored or his girlfriend isn't available.

 

Once again, I can see all of this happening and still I do nothing. If this were any of my other friends, I would have told her to stop taking the calls because she deserves to be more than the old comfortable shoe. I know that I deserve to be more than the old comfortable shoe. But I love him… or maybe this is a case of acute infatuation and obsession. Who knows?

 

What I do know is that when the phone rings and his face pops up on the screen (yes, I still have his contact in my phone with a photo), I can't not pick up. When I get that message alert and see his name, I can't not reply. When he tells me that he has to go and he'll call back later, I can't not help but hope that he actually calls back.

 

I thought that I was over this. I thought that I was over him.

OCM vs the Whitehead

A couple of days ago I noticed I whitehead on my cheek. (I should say that due to illness I hadn't done my OCM in the ~3 days prior to noticing the blemish.) I immediately resumed my OCM & the next day it was gone, not even a mark was left behind.

The lack of hyperpigmentation was the best part because every since I hit 25, everything leaves a mark on my skin whether I mess with it or not. So, like I said, that was definitely a plus.

That is all. (^.~)

Oil Cleansing Massage End of Week 1

Well, after a week of doing the OCM, I can say that I am pleased with the results. My face is noticeably smoother & softer. I haven't broken out. I don't use my conventional facial moisturizers as much.

So far I was just doing the OCM at night. Next week, I will use the OCM as a part of my morning routine. I'm curious to see how it will work with my makeup.

Oh really...

I'm getting tired of men in my world getting engaged/married and then coming to me to say it should have been me. How lame is that? If it should have been me, it would have been me. Barring a shotgun to your head, no one forced you into that relationship. You made a choice. I will have no part in any temporary panic you may feel. That's not my bag to carry... Besides, if I were to be that trifling person and take you up on your offer, what to stop you from going to the next woman and telling her the same thing you told me?

*smh*

I've missed my last couple of OCM updates due to exhaustion... Getting a full night's rest is amazing. I'll have something this evening. (^.~)

Oil Cleansing Method Day 4

And all is well... Nothing new to report... Well maybe one thing -- I haven't started to break out, so I'm guessing this castor/almond oil ratio works for my skin.

Oil Cleansing Massage Day 3

Nothing really new to report... Though I will note that there was a distinct lack of irritation and dry patched. I'm going to hazard a guess and say that it was probably the washcloth in combination with an uneven distribution of oil.

Oil Cleansing Massage Day 2

Alrighty... I just did my second OCM. This time I had on a moderate amount of make up (cream eye shadow, powder eye shadow, eyeliner & mascara). According to what I read about the OCM, I should be able to cleanse my face with only my oil mixture -- no prewashing needed. I really wish someone would have detailed the best way to remove my make up...

I will say that all the make up came up off. Not a speck of glitter was left behind. I did notice a few inflamed/reddish spots on my cheeks and a couple of dry patches around my mouth. I can't say if it was the make up swirling around in the oil, the warm washcloth or possibly an uneven distribution of oil.

I will say that I am enjoying the extra smoothness that the OCM affords.

Oil Cleansing Massage

Out of some twisted sense of necessity, I've kept a bottle of castor oil in my possession. I never really knew what do with it, but I had it. (I will admit, I was a bit put off by the popular laxative use for it.) One of the women at my church recommended it for my eczema and it worked pretty well. I didn't itch as much & the marks faded. Other than that, it stayed unused in my cabinet.

On a whim, I decided to research more uses for castor oil that didn't involve my digestive track. That is when I came upon the oil cleansing method. It sounded like something I should try considering all I put my skin through. (If you think monthly Brazilian waxes are fun, imaging having it done to your face.)

Castor oil is kind of thick, so every article I read recommended cutting it with another oil. I chose sweet almond oil because it masks the scent. I'm using a 25/75 castor oil/almond oil mix. (I chose it randomly. The ratio may change.)

I just did my first OCM and I will admit that my skin feels smoother. However, I can't say if it's the oil or the mild exfoliation of the hot washcloth... Only time will tell.

Mind and body

So... I have body issues. I've had them since puberty hit early and I was the only girl in the 5th grade wearing a 36B bra. Those issues worsened as I dated guy after guy that cheated on my with girls who were not nearly as smart or kind or pretty, but they were thinner than me. For years I literally ran myself ragged trying to obtain this figure that would never be mine. Along the way, my "inner peace" became linked to my outer appearance. When I'm a size 8 and below, I'm on top of the world. When my size hits double digits, I fall into a self destructive funk.

Right now I wear a size 10... and I am so not happy about it. I know what I need to do to get back to a place where I'm not trying to destroy everything around me. I know that these are not the behaviors that I want my daughter to inherit. i know that my weight affects my relationships because when I feel overweight, I am less confident in my interactions with the opposite sex. It's amazing how much I know, but still can't seem to change. *sigh*

I've decided that I am going to get myself back on track. I have no choice. I am laying waste to all that exists around be simply because I can't wear my favorite pair of skinny jeans. I am going to detox because I need to. My hair and skin is dry and yucky...and I know that it is a direct result of my less than spectacular eating habits. I need to be healthy and even keeled for my daughter. She deserves the best and right now I know that I am not at my best.

Let see...

Cow's milk doesn't agree with me and to be honest, I don't like the taste of it.
I don't like touching raw meat... I can manage chicken and fish, but I hate touching beef. I gave up pork already.
I just need to decide if I'm going to go the raw foods route or the veggies/whole grain route.

Any thoughts -- I'm starting on September 1, 2010.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Ever since I was young, I was taught to treat people with respect and they will do the same. As I grew older, I expanded that from people to relationships. I give any seemingly exclusive romantic relationship the same amount of respect that the individual parties do. I found that it has worked well... most of the time. Perhaps the problem isn't my practice, but rather the person that I was dealing with.

I'm my book, you can't claim to be in an exclusive and monogamous relationship and show up at my door at 10:30 pm on a weeknight. You can't be in an exclusive and monogamous relationship and stay at my house until 4 in the morning. You can't be in an exclusive and monogamous relationship and request the same manner of sexual behavior that we engaged in prior to the aforementioned relationship.

Doing any of the above screams for me to question how much respect you have for your relationship and how much respect you have for me.

How significant is your other?

I found myself in an odd situation last night. I was texting with someone with whom I had a slightly more than casual sexual relationship. He & I remained friends throughout. I hold him in high regard & I know the sentiment is mutual.

He recently told me that he was "transitioning into settling down". I couldn't tell you what that entailed... and he couldn't explain it to me. Despite the fact I had no idea what his transition consisted of, I knew enough to be respectful of the choice he made. I kept all conversations on the platonic, almost brotherly level.  He, on the other hand, continued with the same brand of sexually charged discourse while stating that it wasn't safe or wise for him to be alone with me. How is that my fault? How am I supposed to respond? Furthermore, during his transition, he managed to spend three hours on the phone talking to me one night and five hours continuously texting me another night.


My only question now is how significant is his other when he has time like this to spend on another...